I wasn't trying to commit to a whole pen pal thing when I wrote that, just to get a message across. I'm not really a big letter guy.
The thing is, every new detail I've learned in the past week about what everyone was doing to me behind my back's kind of just made the whole thing worse. So... maybe I do hate you, actually?
I mean. You basically tortured me for the last two weeks I was alive. I barely slept that entire time, convinced that everyone who said anything nice to me was lying to my face while secretly thinking I was responsible for both Lambda and Yakumo. That everyone was secretly plotting to kill me.
And then, wow, turns out I was actually right? Like, way more right than I'd even fully believed? Even the few people I'd thought I probably could trust were in on it.
Like you! I figured after you saw that memory of mine and acted so sympathetic about it that there was no way you'd just make me suffer through all that fear again if you were fully capable of stopping it. Never even considered you might've been the one who tried to make everyone turn on me in the first place! Wild how wrong I was about that one!
[...she really does just listen to him, serious. she doesn't flinch or act cowed. not because she doesn't care, but because really, it's sort of...unfair to do the sad little girl thing at him when he's not wrong.]
I think you're wrong about that. A lot of people did want to believe in you and defend you. Like Amelia, and Livio. If that changed, it changed after they found out other things, things you did.
[but the rest is pretty fair.]
I mean, yeah. What I did to you was horrible. It turned out way worse than I realized it would, but it's my fault for not realizing. And of course I wanted to tell you when I saw your memory and I saw why it was affecting you so bad, but the fact is, like...
When I decided to kill Lambda, it was before we knew we could save anybody but us. I did it knowing that I was choosing my own team over every single other person here. And once I killed her, I wasn't going to go back on that decision. Like, what would it say if I didn't feel too bad to kill her, but I felt too bad to save my own life after? [in her opinion, it would have been shittier than anything else she did, to decide to kill lambda and then change her mind about doing anything to win and throw her and lambda's lives away.] I didn't know if you would kill me if you knew, or tell people who might want to kill me, and I still don't really know that you wouldn't have. So...once it happened, it happened. I wasn't going to endanger my life to fix it, because I owed it to too many people at that point.
I think you probably should just hate me, because it happened and I can't fix it or change it.
Things I still wouldn't have done if I hadn't been cornered in the first place, but. You know.
[ like, yeah, he made some choices there, but also you can't terrorize an animal and expect it not to lash out with its claws at someone. ]
I do get all of that, and like I said, I would've done the same thing, but— honestly I think it's just infinitely more frustrating because I've been stuck watching everyone simp for your team so fucking hard like you're these precious selfless saviors who've been suffering so hard for everyone else's sake all along, and no one else could possibly do what you've done.
The double standards are truly insane. All these people are willing to forgive every shitty thing you do and bend over backwards to help you cheat your way to the top of the rankings, but anyone else who played the game gets shit for it. People cheer you on for destroying people's lives but then hold grudges against Libby, who only did anything because she was told her team would be erased if she didn't, and incite an entire fucking revenge campaign against me.
Makes me fucking sick that you're winning this after everything you've done, which my team helped you do. Maybe it's not your fault everyone keeps singing your praises, but you could have just stopped while Justice was ahead and let us win instead of rubbing metaphorical salt in my wounds on top of the literal salt Jonas and Setsu packed in there. Could have just not murdered that pair of morons who offered themselves up since we already had enough points, or given Livio the final blow on one of them.
I think the double standards are pretty bad, yeah. I don't think I'm better or nicer than you guys or Libby or whatever.
[no argument there.]
I wasn't going to stop, because I don't know how many points it takes to save everyone. I have no idea how many people we needed, and whether either of our teams ever even came close to the number. So it wasn't about beating Justice for me. If Livio and Amelia kept going too, that would probably have been a good thing, but they didn't want to! And I mean, yeah, I feel better knowing no matter what happens I'll save Rin and Gerard, but I also trust Livio and Amelia. But Netzach and Yuzuriha trusted us, not your team, for a very specific reason.
[she swallows.]
And - I've thought about it a lot, and you don't get to blame me for Zelda. You don't. I could just go around saying, well, if Count D didn't kill Rin, I wouldn't have killed anybody, so it's all his fault, but that's fucking stupid. I have to be responsible for the people I decided to hurt, and that's Lambda, and you, and Yakumo, and Fei Du, and Netzach, and Yuzuriha, and Shenhe. And the people who loved them and grieved for them. That's a lot of people. But you decided to kill Zelda and Fukuzawa. I don't think you're horrible for that. I even understand why you did it. But you don't get to blame me for your decision.
Yeah, but I actually kind of do, because I only thought their team killed Lambda because of evidence you left that made it look like Drift got used with those axe traps. I didn't just go after some random person, and they wouldn't have been anywhere near my first choice if I was just going off of who I actually wanted to get rid of. I only killed Fukuzawa because I needed to get back the sympathy you screwed us out of and make it so we weren't the prime voting target.
They were my choices, but specific ones that you forced my hand into making, so you still deserve at least a third of the blame for both of those, sorry to say.
And Money, since my killers still thought he'd helped kill Lambda. You know they straight up murdered him? Threw him into the lava completely on purpose because they thought he was a bad animal.
I wasn't even trying to make it look like Drift Aura, that was just somebody's theory! They weren't even traps! I just left those axes around and forgot they were there! Sorry you're so bad at solving murders that you thought it was her when I did it with my own weapon and my own psych! Anyway, go ahead and try explaining this to Zelda and Yuzuriha and Netzach, I'm sure they'll feel bad for you and be mad at me instead. Just kidding, I already know how that turned out.
[she'll accept the blame for a lot of this, but she's not going to accept this argument. she knows what it's like to be a cornered animal and to lash out and kill. it doesn't involve making a lot of complicated mind control plans.]
Money doesn't deserve that, though, so I'm sorry to him, too. I tried to tell TBD that it was definitely not you guys, and they didn't believe me.
[ he actually did feel a little bad about yuneyuze before last weekend but now he thinks netzach and yuzuriha are too incurably stupid to deserve to live after their pointless sacrifice so never mind ]
Because I trusted you not to frame me and Money — you were the only team I trusted that much, ironically — so I didn't even stop to consider your psych as an option when your team was the only one that had it. But yeah, that was extremely stupid of me, so I'll give you that.
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carisma_sensei
no subject
Date: 2023-08-01 09:19 pm (UTC)...Hey, Simon.
no subject
Date: 2023-08-01 09:43 pm (UTC)[ he doesn't wave back, just crosses his arms and waits.
there's probably a bra display in a window right behind his head that he is blissfully unaware of. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-08-01 10:18 pm (UTC)[like, they can talk. but if he doesn't want to, that's fine?]
1/2
Date: 2023-08-02 02:24 pm (UTC)I wasn't trying to commit to a whole pen pal thing when I wrote that, just to get a message across. I'm not really a big letter guy.
The thing is, every new detail I've learned in the past week about what everyone was doing to me behind my back's kind of just made the whole thing worse. So... maybe I do hate you, actually?
I mean. You basically tortured me for the last two weeks I was alive. I barely slept that entire time, convinced that everyone who said anything nice to me was lying to my face while secretly thinking I was responsible for both Lambda and Yakumo. That everyone was secretly plotting to kill me.
And then, wow, turns out I was actually right? Like, way more right than I'd even fully believed? Even the few people I'd thought I probably could trust were in on it.
2/2
Date: 2023-08-02 02:24 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-08-02 02:46 pm (UTC)I think you're wrong about that. A lot of people did want to believe in you and defend you. Like Amelia, and Livio. If that changed, it changed after they found out other things, things you did.
[but the rest is pretty fair.]
I mean, yeah. What I did to you was horrible. It turned out way worse than I realized it would, but it's my fault for not realizing. And of course I wanted to tell you when I saw your memory and I saw why it was affecting you so bad, but the fact is, like...
When I decided to kill Lambda, it was before we knew we could save anybody but us. I did it knowing that I was choosing my own team over every single other person here. And once I killed her, I wasn't going to go back on that decision. Like, what would it say if I didn't feel too bad to kill her, but I felt too bad to save my own life after? [in her opinion, it would have been shittier than anything else she did, to decide to kill lambda and then change her mind about doing anything to win and throw her and lambda's lives away.] I didn't know if you would kill me if you knew, or tell people who might want to kill me, and I still don't really know that you wouldn't have. So...once it happened, it happened. I wasn't going to endanger my life to fix it, because I owed it to too many people at that point.
I think you probably should just hate me, because it happened and I can't fix it or change it.
no subject
Date: 2023-08-02 03:46 pm (UTC)[ like, yeah, he made some choices there, but also you can't terrorize an animal and expect it not to lash out with its claws at someone. ]
I do get all of that, and like I said, I would've done the same thing, but— honestly I think it's just infinitely more frustrating because I've been stuck watching everyone simp for your team so fucking hard like you're these precious selfless saviors who've been suffering so hard for everyone else's sake all along, and no one else could possibly do what you've done.
The double standards are truly insane. All these people are willing to forgive every shitty thing you do and bend over backwards to help you cheat your way to the top of the rankings, but anyone else who played the game gets shit for it. People cheer you on for destroying people's lives but then hold grudges against Libby, who only did anything because she was told her team would be erased if she didn't, and incite an entire fucking revenge campaign against me.
Makes me fucking sick that you're winning this after everything you've done, which my team helped you do. Maybe it's not your fault everyone keeps singing your praises, but you could have just stopped while Justice was ahead and let us win instead of rubbing metaphorical salt in my wounds on top of the literal salt Jonas and Setsu packed in there. Could have just not murdered that pair of morons who offered themselves up since we already had enough points, or given Livio the final blow on one of them.
no subject
Date: 2023-08-02 03:58 pm (UTC)[no argument there.]
I wasn't going to stop, because I don't know how many points it takes to save everyone. I have no idea how many people we needed, and whether either of our teams ever even came close to the number. So it wasn't about beating Justice for me. If Livio and Amelia kept going too, that would probably have been a good thing, but they didn't want to! And I mean, yeah, I feel better knowing no matter what happens I'll save Rin and Gerard, but I also trust Livio and Amelia. But Netzach and Yuzuriha trusted us, not your team, for a very specific reason.
[she swallows.]
And - I've thought about it a lot, and you don't get to blame me for Zelda. You don't. I could just go around saying, well, if Count D didn't kill Rin, I wouldn't have killed anybody, so it's all his fault, but that's fucking stupid. I have to be responsible for the people I decided to hurt, and that's Lambda, and you, and Yakumo, and Fei Du, and Netzach, and Yuzuriha, and Shenhe. And the people who loved them and grieved for them. That's a lot of people. But you decided to kill Zelda and Fukuzawa. I don't think you're horrible for that. I even understand why you did it. But you don't get to blame me for your decision.
no subject
Date: 2023-08-02 04:25 pm (UTC)They were my choices, but specific ones that you forced my hand into making, so you still deserve at least a third of the blame for both of those, sorry to say.
And Money, since my killers still thought he'd helped kill Lambda. You know they straight up murdered him? Threw him into the lava completely on purpose because they thought he was a bad animal.
no subject
Date: 2023-08-02 04:35 pm (UTC)[she'll accept the blame for a lot of this, but she's not going to accept this argument. she knows what it's like to be a cornered animal and to lash out and kill. it doesn't involve making a lot of complicated mind control plans.]
Money doesn't deserve that, though, so I'm sorry to him, too. I tried to tell TBD that it was definitely not you guys, and they didn't believe me.
no subject
Date: 2023-08-02 05:00 pm (UTC)Because I trusted you not to frame me and Money — you were the only team I trusted that much, ironically — so I didn't even stop to consider your psych as an option when your team was the only one that had it. But yeah, that was extremely stupid of me, so I'll give you that.
[ tbd is dumber than everyone though, jesus. ]
Anyway. Good talk.
no subject
Date: 2023-08-02 06:07 pm (UTC)[but that's not how it worked out. anyway, she'll let him peace out.]