I guess I don't get that, Fei Du. Even before I turned into this, I'd think awful things sometimes. Like, my mom made me really mad, I hope she gets eaten by a wolf! I think everybody does, but it's not the same as actually...doing that.
I don't know how to feel things like a normal person does. After you were angry, and thought those things, would you feel guilty once the moment ended? I wouldn't. I'd simply let them be reality, and continue to think that way. If this person is my enemy, I should strike them down. If cold logic dictates I should kill someone for the better of my business, I should kill them. I should forget about the value of people as people and think of them as pieces of meat. Use the money, build the business, destroy the lives of people all around you so your life is better.
I'm not going to tell you how you feel, but I've literally felt how you feel, and you do care about people and you do feel sad and bad about things. So like - the things you described sound really really bad, but I don't think it's a description of you at all.
[ fei du hates emotionshare week the most because now he gets called out now by twelve year olds for not actually being stinky and evil even though he's tried really hard to make sure everyone thinks he's both stinky and evil
anyway it gets a little half smile, at least, even if he looks vaguely like an affronted cat for .5 seconds because he's being called out so hard ]
... Right. Not without effort. [ thus. the conditioning! it's very healthy behavior!
eventually: ] When I saw Zhou Huaixin die, I felt it happen in real time. I feel it happen here, too, and too often. It takes effort to feel what you're describing every single day.
[well, she does feel how far away his feelings are, and she isn't going to keep arguing with him about how he feels.]
...I think sometimes when a lot of bad things have happened to you, you start to get used to it a little and you feel it differently than other people do. Like, I dunno. At the start of this, I could tell Rin and Haru were just so different from me. They thought they couldn't possibly deal with all of the horrible things that were happening. And I remember when I used to be like that too, but now I know I can, and it hurt me less than it hurt them, so I really wanted to protect them. I just couldn't, in the end.
That is true. Trauma leaves its mark on people that way - we just have to learn how to cope, because it doesn't stop.
[ or you just black it out entirely. he coughs, here, once or twice, and then shakes his head to clear it off, absently rubbing at his throat, and though he's quiet for a while, listening, he offers his commentary towards the end. ]
... I think you've done a good job protecting Haru, for what it's worth. But I know what you mean.
this is the memory that leaves him nauseous. fei du is covering his mouth by the time that it's over. it's nothing against ylfa, just conditioned reflex, but the vividness of it has him as white as a sheet. the hunger, the blood, of making the choice she couldn't come back from, the stark contrast of the red riding hood tale so many children grew up on from the beginning making an eerie dichotomy of fairy tale and reality. eat or be eaten, eat and continue to eat.
(how it feels to be forced into doing something to survive. how it feels to be forced into choices in basal desperation how it feels to be one step from letting those choices consume you - how easy it could be to keep going, to find the huntsman.)
fei du takes a moment to compose himself when it's over - swallows, pushes back the reflex that he conditioned himself to have, and takes a deep breath, and then says, very quietly: ]
...Ylfa. [ he'll let her take the stage, talk first if she wants to talk first. ]
Sorry, I know it's gross and I know you don't like blood.
[she sounds genuinely concerned. the blood and gore doesn't bother her. but it's very strange to be back in that emotion, in that feeling. remembering how, once upon a time, not actually all that long ago, she was a very innocent little girl chasing butterflies in the forest, a girl who didn't believe she was capable of lifting an ax, let alone burying it in the skull of a wolf. her conviction in who she was and what her story was about was a function of being a fairy tale, perhaps, but also not so different from how most children feel. there's the person you are, or think you are, and the way the world is supposed to work. innocents are spared, heroes arrive and save them. or even when they aren't spared, it's a tragedy, the story of a perfect little victim.
but hunger doesn't care if you're a very cute and nice little girl who listens to authority figures and respects her elders. the wolf doesn't care, the world doesn't care. trying to hold onto that doesn't do anything but prolong the inevitable.]
[ he shakes his head, finally pulling his hand away from his mouth. ]
No - it's alright.
[ it's not her fault, anyway, and he doesn't want her to feel concerned about it, considering everything he just saw. the dissociative part of him is reminded, beyond the blood, of a little girl he once knew, too. a nine year old, who couldn't have been more opposite than ylfa, but carried her qualities all the same. a little girl whose life wouldn't let her be innocent, who took it with her and let it rot, let all the ways the world hurt her lash out at all the people she felt were wrong. the dichotomy of the two, combined with the memory from before about choice and agency, about trauma and tragedy, is striking.
his hand taps the inside of his arm now that he drops it - one, two, three, four - and for someone who claims he doesn't have feelings, his expression is soft and thoughtful and quietly understanding, brows pinching. if anyone understands the world that doesn't care, it's him. ]
...You held out for a long time. [ soft. ] Is this the story you went back to? In the first.
...Yeah. But not because I was being brave or anything.
[she'd never thought about the need for courage in her life. she just couldn't imagine doing this. it was like being told to survive she needed to breathe underwater. she didn't hold her breath because it was brave to. she just didn't think the alternative was possible.]
That's right. The first time, I went back home to my family. And that went really, really badly. But the second time, same thing, but I also killed the woodsman.
[ the word comes out quiet and almost rueful. no, he understands. that's not about bravery at all.
he doesn't extrapolate. instead, fei du listens to the explanation, and thinks about the two memories together - slotting the pieces together, holding onto that strangely layered feeling underneath. ]
... How many times have you done a version of this?
[ ... and when this memory ends, fei du's usually collected face is completely shattered. he coughs, violently, collapsing in on himself like he's still choking, hands flexing. ]
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carisma_sensei
no subject
Date: 2023-07-13 12:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-07-13 12:42 pm (UTC)[ how to explain. ]
I don't know how to feel things like a normal person does. After you were angry, and thought those things, would you feel guilty once the moment ended? I wouldn't. I'd simply let them be reality, and continue to think that way. If this person is my enemy, I should strike them down. If cold logic dictates I should kill someone for the better of my business, I should kill them. I should forget about the value of people as people and think of them as pieces of meat. Use the money, build the business, destroy the lives of people all around you so your life is better.
It's a slippery slope that lacks empathy.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-15 12:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-07-15 01:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-07-15 01:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-07-15 01:58 pm (UTC)anyway it gets a little half smile, at least, even if he looks vaguely like an affronted cat for .5 seconds because he's being called out so hard ]
... Right. Not without effort. [ thus. the conditioning! it's very healthy behavior!
eventually: ] When I saw Zhou Huaixin die, I felt it happen in real time. I feel it happen here, too, and too often. It takes effort to feel what you're describing every single day.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-15 02:04 pm (UTC)...I think sometimes when a lot of bad things have happened to you, you start to get used to it a little and you feel it differently than other people do. Like, I dunno. At the start of this, I could tell Rin and Haru were just so different from me. They thought they couldn't possibly deal with all of the horrible things that were happening. And I remember when I used to be like that too, but now I know I can, and it hurt me less than it hurt them, so I really wanted to protect them. I just couldn't, in the end.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-15 02:11 pm (UTC)[ or you just black it out entirely. he coughs, here, once or twice, and then shakes his head to clear it off, absently rubbing at his throat, and though he's quiet for a while, listening, he offers his commentary towards the end. ]
... I think you've done a good job protecting Haru, for what it's worth. But I know what you mean.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-15 02:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-07-15 02:47 pm (UTC)this is the memory that leaves him nauseous. fei du is covering his mouth by the time that it's over. it's nothing against ylfa, just conditioned reflex, but the vividness of it has him as white as a sheet. the hunger, the blood, of making the choice she couldn't come back from, the stark contrast of the red riding hood tale so many children grew up on from the beginning making an eerie dichotomy of fairy tale and reality. eat or be eaten, eat and continue to eat.
(how it feels to be forced into doing something to survive. how it feels to be forced into choices in basal desperation how it feels to be one step from letting those choices consume you - how easy it could be to keep going, to find the huntsman.)
fei du takes a moment to compose himself when it's over - swallows, pushes back the reflex that he conditioned himself to have, and takes a deep breath, and then says, very quietly: ]
...Ylfa. [ he'll let her take the stage, talk first if she wants to talk first. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-07-15 03:07 pm (UTC)Sorry, I know it's gross and I know you don't like blood.
[she sounds genuinely concerned. the blood and gore doesn't bother her. but it's very strange to be back in that emotion, in that feeling. remembering how, once upon a time, not actually all that long ago, she was a very innocent little girl chasing butterflies in the forest, a girl who didn't believe she was capable of lifting an ax, let alone burying it in the skull of a wolf. her conviction in who she was and what her story was about was a function of being a fairy tale, perhaps, but also not so different from how most children feel. there's the person you are, or think you are, and the way the world is supposed to work. innocents are spared, heroes arrive and save them. or even when they aren't spared, it's a tragedy, the story of a perfect little victim.
but hunger doesn't care if you're a very cute and nice little girl who listens to authority figures and respects her elders. the wolf doesn't care, the world doesn't care. trying to hold onto that doesn't do anything but prolong the inevitable.]
no subject
Date: 2023-07-15 03:17 pm (UTC)No - it's alright.
[ it's not her fault, anyway, and he doesn't want her to feel concerned about it, considering everything he just saw. the dissociative part of him is reminded, beyond the blood, of a little girl he once knew, too. a nine year old, who couldn't have been more opposite than ylfa, but carried her qualities all the same. a little girl whose life wouldn't let her be innocent, who took it with her and let it rot, let all the ways the world hurt her lash out at all the people she felt were wrong. the dichotomy of the two, combined with the memory from before about choice and agency, about trauma and tragedy, is striking.
his hand taps the inside of his arm now that he drops it - one, two, three, four - and for someone who claims he doesn't have feelings, his expression is soft and thoughtful and quietly understanding, brows pinching. if anyone understands the world that doesn't care, it's him. ]
...You held out for a long time. [ soft. ] Is this the story you went back to? In the first.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-15 03:24 pm (UTC)[she'd never thought about the need for courage in her life. she just couldn't imagine doing this. it was like being told to survive she needed to breathe underwater. she didn't hold her breath because it was brave to. she just didn't think the alternative was possible.]
That's right. The first time, I went back home to my family. And that went really, really badly. But the second time, same thing, but I also killed the woodsman.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-15 03:28 pm (UTC)[ the word comes out quiet and almost rueful. no, he understands. that's not about bravery at all.
he doesn't extrapolate. instead, fei du listens to the explanation, and thinks about the two memories together - slotting the pieces together, holding onto that strangely layered feeling underneath. ]
... How many times have you done a version of this?
no subject
Date: 2023-07-15 03:31 pm (UTC)[it's not that dark, at least.]
We got better at combat after that. We all died, in that first fight. But after, no one died.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-15 03:43 pm (UTC)...Well, good. [
however it's 11:42 before trial and i wanna get this out so the pig does another lap. ]
[ ... and when this memory ends, fei du's usually collected face is completely shattered. he coughs, violently, collapsing in on himself like he's still choking, hands flexing. ]