Once upon a time, there was a great big lion. That great big lion lived in a massive, beautiful savannah, with a kingdom all to himself. His mate was the most beautiful lioness in all of the jungle, and his son had all of her best qualities. On the outside, the lion and the lionness and the son looked like they had everything anyone could ask for.
But the lion got his power through cruel means. He spent every day of his life plotting and planning so that every other lion in the pride either submitted to him, or perished. He was a vicious hunter, but on the outside, he just looked fierce and strong. Even the lioness was trapped under his great, big paws, and acted the way he wanted her to. The son was just a baby, but he knew it wasn't right.
But the lion told his cub that he had to learn to be just like him, to keep control of the lands they lived in. So he taught him how to hunt. The best times to pounce. The way to take out the animals, because they're just animals, and nothing more. The lion's cub learned quickly.
But one day, the cub decided he didn't want to live like that anymore.
What do you think the lion did, when he found out?
[lions...he can't know how much she hates that motherfucker aesop and his horrible lions who have to eat salads. but she likes fei du, so she'll listen.]
The lion shoved the cub under his paws too, until the cub learned to wear his mane.
[ there's a sharpness to his emotions, there - like a bowstring being held taut, like he's holding everything he has back in a prim little box, where the sides are made of iron. ]
[she swallows, just not quite sure what to make of any of this.]
I don't know if that's your story, Fei Du. You're not a lion. [she's not even convinced he's a story.]
That sounds awful. I hear what you're saying, about your father, about your life, and that's awful. But I was wrong to tell you that story. It was wrong, because I assumed everyone would also act like characters in the story I thought I was telling. You were more right about who Rang Lee was than I was.
I don't believe people only have to do the things their stories tell them. I don't believe anyone else gets to decide what your ending is.
[ he's quiet, for a long moment after that. listens to ylfa, and her determination and that twelve-year-old pluck that comes from being someone like that, saying all these things. she's right, really, and the last sentence resonates.
fei du's held his emotions unnaturally still this entire time; talking about htis makes him unbelievably cagey, and ylfa addressing it directly doesn't help with that. it was a metaphor, shh. but - all the same, the little egg in his hands, which had been giving off this cold aura like it was frozen, warms. ]
Rang and I have a lot in common.
[ which sounds like a non sequitur, at first, but. it's clunky, like a master of eloquence might not be all that eloquent after all.
... ]
... I suppose I'd like it if that were the case. [ the faintest hint of want, there, buried under all those numb layers. ] But, I couldn't just watch people take out their fury on Libby, or Wenzhou. Not when I could play it like last week, when it got to be too late.
You're not the only big bad lion around this place. It's not a bunch of scared, innocent people with nice, gentle stories and then you. When you talk, the other ones are listening, too, and the things you say about yourself you're also saying about them.
[ when she comes to sit by him, she can notice that his little egg is giving off some temperature. it's cold, but it feels like it's starting to warm up a little. emotionally, that numb void feels a little...
...awkward, almost. like he's trying to come to terms with feeling in the first place, fumbling around this entire situation. ]
I'm used to being around the worst of humanity. [ people who are cruel, people who are monstrous in the way that humans specifically make monsters - people who are selfish and fueled by greed, people who like to control others. it's a dog eat dog world in the upper echelons of yan city, in the lowest parts of its criminal core, and fei du's seen it all. ] Maybe too used to it.
[ it's a point blank answer. his emotions solidify back into that void, but there's something that strikes through it - something bitter and angry. ]
Rich, powerful people who will stop at nothing to get everything they want, and crush every obstacle in their way, no matter if the cost is currency or blood. They are the root of every single problem in the place that I live, one way or another, and it's all based in selfish, cruel, greed and power. The kind of people who would strike to eliminate an entire team in one go, in order to further their ambitions.
[ the kind of person that fei du was pretending to be. the kind of person he's always had to pretend to be. ]
But most of the people I've met, even the ones I think are really pretty bad, aren't exactly that way. They're all always scared of things more powerful than them... they've decided that their way is the way they're going to survive that.
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carisma_sensei
no subject
Date: 2023-07-02 02:14 am (UTC)[she's a little uncomfortable, maybe that's why she's saying this.]
Do you really think all of that? Do you think that's how we see you?
no subject
Date: 2023-07-02 02:15 am (UTC)but he comes back to look at her, and then, smiles a little. it's not a very happy smile, but it's not angry, either. his emotions are just void. ]
I guess not. I'm very good at hiding it.
[ there's a flicker of something under there, that's just. miserably sad. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-07-02 02:18 am (UTC)It must be strange, knowing that nobody else sees it, but still feeling like it's true.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-02 02:23 am (UTC)... ]
Maybe I can tell you a story of my own, like the one you told me. A fable. Do you want to hear it?
no subject
Date: 2023-07-02 02:27 am (UTC)[she'll allow that.]
But you can tell me.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-02 02:35 am (UTC)But the lion got his power through cruel means. He spent every day of his life plotting and planning so that every other lion in the pride either submitted to him, or perished. He was a vicious hunter, but on the outside, he just looked fierce and strong. Even the lioness was trapped under his great, big paws, and acted the way he wanted her to. The son was just a baby, but he knew it wasn't right.
But the lion told his cub that he had to learn to be just like him, to keep control of the lands they lived in. So he taught him how to hunt. The best times to pounce. The way to take out the animals, because they're just animals, and nothing more. The lion's cub learned quickly.
But one day, the cub decided he didn't want to live like that anymore.
What do you think the lion did, when he found out?
no subject
Date: 2023-07-02 02:57 am (UTC)...I don't know. He tried to kill him?
no subject
Date: 2023-07-02 03:04 am (UTC)[ there's a sharpness to his emotions, there - like a bowstring being held taut, like he's holding everything he has back in a prim little box, where the sides are made of iron. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-07-02 03:16 am (UTC)I don't know if that's your story, Fei Du. You're not a lion. [she's not even convinced he's a story.]
That sounds awful. I hear what you're saying, about your father, about your life, and that's awful. But I was wrong to tell you that story. It was wrong, because I assumed everyone would also act like characters in the story I thought I was telling. You were more right about who Rang Lee was than I was.
I don't believe people only have to do the things their stories tell them. I don't believe anyone else gets to decide what your ending is.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-02 03:45 am (UTC)fei du's held his emotions unnaturally still this entire time; talking about htis makes him unbelievably cagey, and ylfa addressing it directly doesn't help with that. it was a metaphor, shh. but - all the same, the little egg in his hands, which had been giving off this cold aura like it was frozen, warms. ]
Rang and I have a lot in common.
[ which sounds like a non sequitur, at first, but. it's clunky, like a master of eloquence might not be all that eloquent after all.
... ]
... I suppose I'd like it if that were the case. [ the faintest hint of want, there, buried under all those numb layers. ] But, I couldn't just watch people take out their fury on Libby, or Wenzhou. Not when I could play it like last week, when it got to be too late.
I didn't really expect her to confess.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-02 03:56 am (UTC)I get it. When they're all angry and saying it's evil and it's cruel, it's better sometimes to just say "I'm the monster, you can hate me."
But I don't hate Libby, either...
no subject
Date: 2023-07-02 04:00 am (UTC)there's a huff, there. agreeing. yeah. it's really easy to be the monster. he's got lots of practice. ]
I know. Particularly when it comes to someone like Buzen. And to see Matsui grieving the way he was, too. It's not unfamiliar.
[ ... ] You should talk to her, when you get the chance. The full story of what happened is hers to tell, and it may help to bring some closure.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-02 04:19 am (UTC)[she frowns.]
I wonder if you thought through how Libby feels, when she sees someone else acting like it would take a monster to do the things she did?
no subject
Date: 2023-07-02 04:25 am (UTC)...I need to talk to her, too.
[ so. the answer is no, he didn't think that one through, but there's a very soft ripple of guilt in his fucked up little emotional void zone. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-07-02 01:28 pm (UTC)You're not the only big bad lion around this place. It's not a bunch of scared, innocent people with nice, gentle stories and then you. When you talk, the other ones are listening, too, and the things you say about yourself you're also saying about them.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-02 01:58 pm (UTC)...awkward, almost. like he's trying to come to terms with feeling in the first place, fumbling around this entire situation. ]
I'm used to being around the worst of humanity. [ people who are cruel, people who are monstrous in the way that humans specifically make monsters - people who are selfish and fueled by greed, people who like to control others. it's a dog eat dog world in the upper echelons of yan city, in the lowest parts of its criminal core, and fei du's seen it all. ] Maybe too used to it.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-02 09:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-07-03 02:55 pm (UTC)[ it's a point blank answer. his emotions solidify back into that void, but there's something that strikes through it - something bitter and angry. ]
Rich, powerful people who will stop at nothing to get everything they want, and crush every obstacle in their way, no matter if the cost is currency or blood. They are the root of every single problem in the place that I live, one way or another, and it's all based in selfish, cruel, greed and power. The kind of people who would strike to eliminate an entire team in one go, in order to further their ambitions.
[ the kind of person that fei du was pretending to be. the kind of person he's always had to pretend to be. ]
no subject
Date: 2023-07-03 02:59 pm (UTC)But most of the people I've met, even the ones I think are really pretty bad, aren't exactly that way. They're all always scared of things more powerful than them... they've decided that their way is the way they're going to survive that.
no subject
Date: 2023-07-03 03:10 pm (UTC)there's another ripple of his emotions, again - that bitter, miserable anger that twists hard, before it's sucked back into nothingness. ]
Yes. [ ... ] I've noticed that, too.